The realization of this fact wasn’t good enough for me.  I’m 31 years old and, while that isn’t old at all, currently theatrical trends are gearing toward younger actors and dancers.  You have to serve your time often before casting directors get to know you and you begin to make a name for yourself.  Here was my dilemma.  Like anyone, I want it now.  Sooner rather than later.  I can’t dance forever, and I don’t want to just be a dancer.  Thereby, I decided to try an experiment.  Using my history as a clown, I decided to create a character.  Not a traditional clown mind you, but something that could be recognizable–something people could relate to.  I began to “brand” myself.

I’d like for you to meet Jim.  Using true experiences from my life, I began to create a story and, then turned it into a film project.  I learned about writing a script for camera, including story-boarding, which is drawing sketches of each camera shot.  I had two close friends direct me and control the filming aspects. I gained permission to use a location for the film, and I gathered some amazing volunteers to act in the film with me.  My favorite part of the experience was learning to cut and edit the movie.  It is amazing how much it takes for such a short piece!  The final product came together when another dear friend composed the soundtrack and laid it perfectly over the film.  To my surprise, within just a couple of days of its release on YouTube, it had several hundred views.

Who knows if this will indeed serve the purpose to get my face and name out there and help me book shows easier.  The lesson I continued to learn is that as artists our destiny is to keep moving and keep trying.  We are creative people, thus we need to create something. I am excited to see where this new character will bring me, but, most importantly, I have a renewed sense of self worth and a much needed reminder that my life didn’t end when I stepped off the stage with the Kansas City Ballet two years ago.  Oh no!  It’s just revving up!

Check out “Jim at the Gym” on YouTube.

Not long ago I was with a couple of friends reminiscing about the wounds they incurred from the social stress of jr. high life. Though, it’s really more accurate to say that they were reminiscing, because I really couldn’t relate. Want to know what I remember about my thirteenth and fourteenth year of life? Wanting, with my whole being, to be cast as Clara – Clara in the Nutcracker. It was an I-could-die-happy kind of wanting. Some girls wanted their first kiss; I wanted center stage.

me as a little dancer

Of course, this is why we are called bun-heads. While other tweens worried about where they fit in at school and who’d gone to what base with whom, my world was thirty-five miles away at Long Beach Ballet. While other girls were praying for cleavage, I was thinking up ways to remain under the five-foot-one audition line. I thought ballet would forever be my world.

As a fifteen-year-old summer student at Boston Ballet, I attended a seminar describing other careers in the ballet world besides performing. I listened as they told us about the people who worked in wardrobe, lighting, and sound, about those who choreographed, and those who taught – it was bone-chilling stuff! I couldn’t imagine the misery of being involved in dance but not dancing, so I made a little agreement with myself: If I don’t make it as a dancer, I will instead do something completely other than dance. I will never do any of the things they are suggesting, and I especially will never teach!

I lived by that pact until about two years ago. Of course, far more motivating than the pact I’d made at fifteen, was the severe doubt I experienced when, during my quarter-life crisis, I reflected on whether or not a childhood and adolescence devoted to ballet had been good for me. Generally I felt like dance was responsible for lots of good things in my youth, but lots of pain as an adult. At twenty-three I left dance, hoping to never look back, hoping to find my ‘completely other’ calling and start a fresh life.

It took me several disorienting years to figure out what everyone seems to understand about the art of living: you don’t just get to start from scratch. You don’t get to slice part of yourself off and move on as if it never happened. You must be patient and persistent, and willing to evolve. So after years of working at Starbucks like Cinderella, waiting for something brand new to sweep me off my feet, I went back to the studio I grew up at and asked for a job teaching. And you know what? I really love it. I love being reconnected to the people and the place that meant so much to me for so many years. I love learning to work with the kids and experiencing their growth and enthusiasm. I love learning to hone the craft of teaching and have come to appreciate it as an art form all its own. It has been refreshing to reconnect with my roots.

me with little dancers -- my new roots

At the same time, however, I often still feel unsatisfied. I crave more: more creativity, challenge, and expression. But teaching is certainly a start. I am closer to finding my way now than I was as a green-aproned-barista – a small, but distinct victory. I am also more honest about the role dance played in the my difficult twenties…

Reflecting on the good and bad of my ballet education, I’ve realized that the positive things gained–such as physical intelligence, great adult influence, creative expression, musicality, responsibility, and a sense belonging to a community–have made my life rich and maybe even saved me from the wounds of jr. high social stress. Additionally, I’ve come to see that most of the negative things–like an undeveloped speaking voice, an undeveloped understanding of the professional world, an immature relationship to authority, along with physical injury and insecurity–are highly personal, largely a product of my personality and family dynamic, rather than a product of my ballet training.
It is with this clarity that I can now teach in good faith. My twenties have been hard because growing up is hard. The sense of self I gained through my years of ballet training is eternal and worth nurturing in others.

I’m proud to be a teacher now, even as I aim for something additional or more. I am learning to nurture my heart into a posture of willingness to evolve and grow. As I tune my ear to the opportunities around me, I hope this posture will take me on an adventure toward professional growth and satisfaction. It will be interesting to see how adding a baby to our family mixes things up too. Time will tell.

1. I bought a stylus and began using Adobe Ideas app to draw quick costume sketches. Pen in hand, I was also now able to use it to take notes in apps like Penultimate, where I keep separate project and/or class notebooks, and Note Taker HD, which I use for individual documents filed away in project folders.

2. I got the Martha Stewart Cookies app. Skip this step if you are not a recovering Martha Stewart Living addict.

3. Next, I took on the New York Magazine app. Though I enjoy the paper copy, it lives in the magazine bin in the bathroom. The app is a great resource for finishing longer articles, like this great profile of Dr. Cornell West, without disturbing the rest of the household’s reading habits.

4. Then I fell in love with NY Magazine’s fashion app, The Cut, which features an impressive library of runway shows and where you are able to search by season, style, label, material, and so on. It is amazing until I realized it was not possible to download a photo for future reference on a mood board or in costume design meeting.

5. Which brought me back to using regular old Safari to browse the regular old version of The Cut and trying to “Pin It” to my Pinterest boards. This also proved to be a dead end because there was some long-winded java script something that needed to happen in order to make the “Pin It” button save to the bookmarks tab. Luckily, I finally found a cheap and quick fix in the Pin On app. Voile. Now I have to no excuse not to update my lackluster boards.

6. This was followed by a move to a new apartment where my boyfriend and I promptly filled all the available wall space with bookshelves. Since there is very little free space, I instituted a new rule for myself: I will only buy “important” fiction and non-fiction books and must-have art books. When the flavor-of-the-month nonfiction book comes around, such as Imagine: How Creativity Works, I will buy the Kindle version. I downloaded the free Kindle app as well as the Amazon app. This new rule has opened up a whole new world for me as far as using the ipad as a reading device. (But I will still support the printing industry, I swear!) The problem of reading this pulp nonfiction in the bath remains…..

7. A FB update from Dd contributor Heather Toner alerted me to the existence of an app called Flipboard. It makes a beautiful magazine out of all of your feeds: FB, Twitter, Tumblr, various other RSS (even Dd). I am still a little wary of how it chooses to highlight the most popular and bury the less popular but potentially more interesting to me posts, but it looks amazing.

8. Another FB update from a good friend led me to an article by the tech journalist Jenna Wortham. She exhaustingly details all that she reads and follows in a typical day. From her I gained Longform, where I can find a curated feed of longer articles, old and new, from the New Yorker and other favorite journals such as The Believer, and Instapaper, an app I can save the articles from Longform or just from an internet page to, for later perusal offline.

9. I still have not found much use in the WordPress app, much to my blogging chagrin. The interface is extremely limited and only allows drafts to be saved locally on the ipad. I barely saved an unfinished critique of last Friday’s Sheherazade from a disastrous and an accidental publication, brought on by an attempt to save a draft to the server, for later work editing on my laptop. Ever since I have vowed to only use WordPress in Safari.

10. I am still hunting for a favorite twitter app. Flipboard does not allow for multiple users. Twitterific? Echofon? Twittelator? My head is not been fully in this end of the game yet.

11. Dropbox is perfect for moving this to that gadget, when you want to take one device instead of all three. It definitely screams excessive to be flanked by Apple nesting dolls. I am especially conscious of this since the NYT has taken Apple to task for various labor and tax shelter issues.

12. The scientific calculator. You may not remember this since last laying eyes on the one your parents probably bought you in highschool, but those indicators of a coming college math course are expensive. The powerOne Scientific Calculator is just $4.99.

My first world problem solved, I think I will sleep well now. Goodnight.

This is not meant to be a dance critique, but it would be a crime if I didn’t spend at least a few sentences stating how amazed I was by the company and their growth over the last two years–since I parted ways with KCB.  The performance was a stunning evening of Balanchine’s Serenade, Robbins’ Afternoon of a Faun, Martins’ Les Gentilhommes and Bolender’s Souvenirs, showcasing the KCB dancers’ virtuosity and artistry.  I had the privilege of seeing two performances with two different casts, both of which danced brilliantly.  Bravo!

As the “Russian Girl” in Serenade, Kim dazzled with her precise footwork, suspended ballon, and classical grace.  As the “Vamp” in Souvenirs, she brought the house down with her comedic, man-eating ferociousness, taunting and teasing both her partner and the audience with every perfectly timed and calculated move she made.

However, the true story I want to share is not what happened on stage during her performance, but what happened after.  Kim was given a true ballerina send-off.  As the stage cleared and she took her final bow, the entire roster of company dancers placed a bouquet of flowers at her feet.  They were followed by several former KCB dancers–including myself–who had the honor of working in the studio and onstage with Kim, as well as past and current board presidents, the artistic and executive staff, and, most notably, her family.  Tenderly, she embraced each and every person.  As she locked eyes with me, I saw even more confidence than I had ever seen in her.  There seemed to be a calm, prideful sense of satisfaction that can only come when one has completed the most amazing journey of their life.

After the performance, a private reception was held in her honor in the lobby of the exquisite Kauffman Center for the Performing Arts.  There, the dancers presented her with a frame, which showcased a piece of the old stage from the Lyric Theatre where Kim danced the majority of her career.  Behind it were signatures of over a hundred people who had danced with and been touched by Kim during her time there; even Todd Bolender’s signature was there.  The ballet gave her a “memory book” of photos and letters from family, friend,s and fans.

The highlight of the event was, naturally, Kim herself.  Without losing an ounce of the poise or grace characteristic of her, Kim gave a charming speech.  All too modestly, she thanked everyone who had been monumental in her life and career.  She then thanked “all of the men who have partnered me over the years.”  Without blinking, she proceeded to made a crack about how at least one of us had “not minded letting her lead.”  The audience erupted in laughter.

Kimberly Cowen's Final Bow Photo Courtesy of kcdance.com

Few can compare to Kim’s personal and professional eloquence.  Twenty years in the same ballet company is a feat in itself, but to dance for that long and have so many people feel that they actually know her and have wonderful things to say about her is the true accomplishment.  Kim stepped onto the stage as a real person, graced it with perfection as a ballerina, and stepped off of it with even more beauty than ever. Her legacy not only lies in the work that she left behind her, but in the example she sets for everyone around her.

I had a hard time watching the shows this weekend.  While I enjoyed them immensely, it was hard to say goodbye.  It could not hold my tears back as I watched Kim take each step.  Watched her connect with each dancer, I imagined what an experience it must have been for them and I hope they treasure those moments.  I am more than honored to have been a part of her life. She taught me more than I ever learned in all of my training as a dancer, and I am forever thankful to her.

To go back to what I was talking about at the beginning of this entry, Kim’s story is just beginning. I can’t wait to write more about her as time goes on, and I guarantee I won’t be the only one.

Kimberly takes one more bow at her reception. Photo courtesy of kcstage.com

I don’t know if I could compete with what some of the budding ballerinas are doing these days because I was never a trickster–except for hopping on point, go figure. While the physical challenge of ballet was always a source of enjoyment, my true motivation for pursuing this career was a sheer love of it. If we try to define dance merely by the technique of it can the artistry still exist?

All of this internal dialogue took me back to last June when I had the chance to see the workshop performance of the School of American Ballet (SAB). The students showcased impressive technique: spot on balances, fearless pirouettes, and effortless ballon–but I sensed a lack of joy. Were these teenagers exposed only to the physicality of dance? What about the rich history and an appreciation for the art form?

I promise I am going somewhere with all of this rhetoric.

As professionals, it’s important for us to take note of these aspiring dancers. This week, Ballet Academy East (BAE), a prominent ballet school on the Upper East Side, holds its annual Pre-Professional division spring performances from Thursday, May 18 to Saturday, May 20 at the John Jay College’s Gerald W. Lynch Theater. BAE’s bright pupils will show New Yorkers their passon and dedication, performing in Balanchine’s Walpurgisnacht Ballet, the pas de trios from Paquita, and original works by Laszlo Berdo, Stacy Caddell, Richard Cook, and Jenna Lavin. It’s rare that I take the opportunity to see student productions, but I am starting to see the value in stepping outside my typical show repertoire and supporting these youngsters…after all, I was in their position once upon a time.

For more information on BAE’s Pre-Professional Spring Show or information on tickets, check out our Dd NYC Performance Calendar.

The following is based on actual events

Joyride

Brittany swiped her Metro Card through the turnstile. She was running fifteen minutes behind her well-planned schedule.

She hurried down a flight of stairs to the platform. Her adrenaline pushed her to move faster but carelessly. Halfway to her destination, she collided with a middle-aged woman hurrying in the opposite direction. The two paused to exchange quick glares, then went their separate ways.

Once she was securely on the train, Brittany reached down to grab her travel mug of coffee. The mug was gone. It had hooked itself onto the other woman’s tote bag, and was on its way back out to the streets of Manhattan.

Sometimes movement is the most evocative way to express Shiva‘s stated subject: “The story of a man in mourning and his connection to the spirit of his deceased loved one.” Zack is not from a dance background; and yet, he artfully captured the essence of the choreography, just as Wim Wenders did with Pina. I thoroughly enjoyed this dance through the filter of Zack’s magnificent lighting and layered point of view. Well done and thank you!

Kara Wilkes. Photo by Chris Edwards.

In her own words:

“Kathy Posin’s Scheherazade was my first principle role at 24 when I was dancing with Milwaukee Ballet Company. Revisiting the story with Alonzo King, 6 years later, has been a challenging adventure physically and mentally. I joined LINES Ballet last July. Since then I’ve received perpetual guidance and inspiration in order to continue coming into my own as an artist. Alonzo has opened my eyes to the simple fact that we are speaking with our bodies when we dance, and that we shouldn’t be afraid to say the honest truth; to say, be and show who you are with how you move. Honesty and beauty are one in the same for him. With that in mind, I began approaching all of my work differently, with less worry about executing a perfect pirouette or whatever the step may be. ‘You tell us what a double pirouette is’, Alonzo once told me. After years of training, this was a revelation to hear! I have the ability to create new versions of everything and new ideas are what he requires of his dancers everyday. My first time around, I acted out much of the ballet. But Alonzo asks the company to express our characters in the story with the physicality of our bodies. It’s not easy, but very liberating to go inside your body and feel safe enough there to say anything you want. You have to ask yourself constantly, what am I saying? Alonzo’s version of Scheherazade is more abstract and his process involves a lot of self-exploration. He pushes me to show things about myself to the viewer that aren’t always comfortable to expose. As I find more willingness to do so and overcome, I see courage as a major theme in this production.”

Meredith Webster in Scheherazade

In his own words:

“My intention was to grapple with the metaphysical meaning behind Scheherazade and present that meaning in its essence. Scheherazade is the symbol of the savior. She weaves tales not to save her own life, but to save humanity from its unending retributive response to injury.” Alonzo King

It is important not to forget the essential spiritual component at the root of all of Mr. King’s work, making him as much the guru as the artistic director. His transcendental rematch with this timeless tale will be backed by Zakir Hussein’s re-interpretation of Rimsky-Korsakov’s classic orientalist score; a fitting tribute given Rimsky-Korsakov’s appreciation of Western composition techniques. The evening threatens a seductive mix of east and west, narrative and concept, brewing around the fundamental themes of courageous love overcoming violence. It leaves me wondering in anticipation, is the choreographer the true behind-the-scenes Sheherazade, using his movement as the language to connect the finer points of these seemingly irreconcilable life forces, and will the gorgeous dancers be more than beautiful symbols? I look forward to finding out (and being saved).

The Joyce Theater
Tue-Wed 7:30pm; Thu-Fri 8pm; Sat 2pm & 8pm; Sun 7:30pm
Dance Chat: Wed, May 9

Click here for tickets!

I was fortunate enough to dance with full time companies for nine years, where my health insurance premiums were covered by the dance institution. When I moved to New York City and began freelancing I got hit by a hard dose of reality; suddenly, I was responsible for my health care expenses and did not have the fiscal means to afford a health plan. I resorted to what the majority of freelance or small dance company dancers do..fore go health insurance all together. Considering what a dancer puts his or her body through on a daily basis, this is not the most ideal scenario. However, because of the economic ramifications of freelance dancing in one of the most expensive cities in the nation, I had no choice but to hope and pray I would not get injured or seriously ill.

Recently, I decided to conduct some research on what health care options exist for dancers. Additionally, I aspired to better understand how Obama Care will impact the dance community. As I talked to other dancers, asking for their insight on the topic, I realized that I was not the only one lost in the sea of technical jargon and high premiums. This inspired me to write an article for Dance Informa, sharing any relevant information with my fellow dancers.

My process started with the typical mind-numbing internet searches, but, luckily, I stumbled upon The Actor’s Fund and hit a gold mine of helpful information by talking to their Director of Health Care Services Jim Brown. He walked me through various resources the organization offers, as well as breaking down the Affordable Care Act–deemed by the media as Obama Care. He directed me to the Al Hirschfeld Free Clinic, where I was able to address some personal health concerns at no charge. The clinic’s doctor was patient, helpful, and thorough. And my right foot, which was stressed out from hours spent in pointe shoes, was thankful for his services.

Now, I join the rest of America, directing my attention towards the Supreme Court and wondering about the future of health care.

For more information on health care resources for dancers, check out my recent Dance Informa article, part 1 of 2, by clicking here. And be sure to tune back in for the June issue for the second installment, in which Brown guides me through the many layers of Obama Care.

Kimberly Cowen in "The Naughty Boy" Courtesy KCB Photography Steve Wilson

MD: There’s a cliché in the theater world that I believe applies to the dancing world as well that states: The best way to get an actor (dancer) to complain is to give them a job.  What advice would you give to dancers to help them find contentment in their work?

KC: When you get comfortable and you think you have stability you tend to let your thoughts come out more, possibly in the form of a complaint. Remember to be grateful that you have a job. Dancing is a gift that you should never take for granted. There is also a saying in football, “Everyone is a Monday morning Quarterback.” Implying that everyone thinks they know how someone else should be doing their job. Until you are sitting in their position you have no idea what it is like to do their job. It might be a good lesson to stop and think what people might be saying about you. To get ahead you can analyze your own work and improve rather than wasting your time complaining about someone else. Again no place is perfect so focus on the positive.

Don’t ever expect to get a role you have to earn it time and time again. It is a hard lesson, but if you are not getting cast over and over again, maybe you aren’t quite as good as you think. That is why self-reflection is so important. Don’t just say, “They really missed out, I would have been great at that role.” Stop and try to figure out why they didn’t think you were good for that role, and fix it. Sometimes it may have nothing to do with your dancing and more to do with your attitude.

MD: I’ve been told by other company dancers that you are the most gracious and generous ballerina to have to share a role with.  Why do you think that is?

KC: I am a strong believer that you dance better when you are confident. Why would I want to be the reason a fellow dancer might lose some confidence?  There is that old saying “do unto others as you would have done unto you.” You can create a bond and learn from each other in a way that is unique. You are inside the part and that kind of feedback can be easier to relate to. In the ballet world, you are always being told what you are doing wrong and rarely get positive feedback, this is the nature of the beast. I like to provide that encouragement. If I really think back, I believe it is a choice I made long ago. When I was younger I didn’t like it when the other girls were not very nice to me. When you have talent and you are involved in something competitive you have to deal with that from time to time. People will always have something bad to say about everyone but why give them more ammunition to bad mouth you?

MD: Dancing is difficult for many dancers.  What are some secrets that you could share that have helped you?

KC: Don’t shut yourself off from feedback because it hurts your ego. Dancing is a very personal process and sometimes we can get defensive about the choices we make. That is very understandable.  You have to commit to what you are doing. Remember that they are giving you corrections to make you better and that sometimes we think we are doing something when we aren’t. Don’t be afraid to go through an awkward stage to get to your end result cutting corners never works. Always stay positive for your own sake and for those around you. You want the artistic staff and choreographers to want to work with you. It is better to laugh than to cry. Everything you do has to come from you; don’t expect someone else to do it for you. If you find yourself constantly getting corrected about the same thing, and you feel like you have tried everything they are saying and it still isn’t right, you need to shake it off.  Take a step back.  Tell yourself you know you can do it, and do it the way that feels best to you. Nine times out of ten it will be better. Don’t ever try to be like someone else. Take each day as it comes and put everything you have into your dancing. Try not to slack off it only hurts you in the end. Don’t get too wrapped up in your technique, dance with a purpose.

Kimberly Cowen in "A Midsummer Night's Dream" Courtesy KCB Photography Steve Wilson

MD: You are the last remaining dancer in KCB who Todd Bolender hired.  It is the end of an era.  What are your thoughts on that?

KC: I am so grateful that I met him. He taught me so much. In fact, his lessons were so great that they still teach me today. He was a man with a tremendous understanding of our art form and human nature. He taught me more than how to be a good dancer. He taught me about how to be a good person and how to get the most out of people. He taught me to be proud of the Kansas City Ballet and to always represent it in the best light possible, on or off the stage. He was an extremely humble man that only asked for your hard work as his reward. I was so fortunate to have him as my boss and then later as my friend and mentor. He is a perfect example of how hard work and determination can make things happen. He did so much for the ballet world and, to me, his legacy will live on forever. I know I will continue to pass on what he taught me.

MD: As the newly appointed Associate Director of KCB School, what do you hope to accomplish?

KC: I would like to provide the best training possible in a nurturing positive environment. I want to help young dancers respect themselves and all activities that they partake in. I want to give them the tools they need to become successful in life, not just in dance. More than anything, I want to pass on the joy of dancing to as many young people as I can. A professional career may not be for everyone but any day you dance is a good day. I have learned so much throughout my dance career and I think it would be a shame to not pass it on. I feel a sense of duty in that way. It is my turn to give back to the organization that has given me so much.

MD: Do you have any regrets from your career, and is there anything that you look forward to doing now that maybe you never did because of ballet?

KC: I don’t have any regrets.  It has been an amazing time in my life. I always felt like I had to be careful with everything I was doing so I wouldn’t get hurt. It will be nice to not have that worry all the time, but I have been thinking that way for so long it might take awhile before I try anything too adventurous.

MD: What is the best piece of advice you could give a dancer?

KC: Love every minute of it! Give yourself every chance to succeed without pissing people off. Be grateful; know that a lot of things had to happen to get you where you are. Look at the big picture; it will help you understand the decisions that are made around you. Try to keep a rational perspective of your strengths and weaknesses and work on them; this will help you deal with disappointments. Everyone is entitled to a bad day. Don’t let it turn into a bad month.

Not bad advice for anyone, regardless of what they do with their lives, eh?