I have a very corporate, 9 to 5 day job that I’ve been at for a year and a half now.  It has moments where I’m able to use my skills in graphic design, film production and writing, but most of the time I am doing things like preparing demographic reports and media kits.

But the funny thing about being in this corporate environment day after day is the fact that I’m labeled as “The Artist” and in all truth I think it’s simply because I wear a lot of color in my wardrobe.  The aforementioned boss even said as much as that, noting that I dress very young and while he knew I was artistic and certainly very capable, he didn’t realize my understanding of business operations was so thorough.  So in a way, by wearing vintage floral dresses to work, occasionally having bows or flowers in my hair, and rocking a brightly-colored pair of tights, I have diminished the perception of my intelligence.  And that annoys me.

Everyone at my work does know that I dance, that I dabble in crafts and that I am an avid blogger, so it’s not like I’m hiding the fact that I am into the arts.  I stick to the dress code of the office and never wear things that are inappropriate, but I’m not one to wear a suit.  I do on days when there’s a need, but that’s just not me.  I mostly wear dresses and do often use my wardrobe to express what I am feeling at that moment.  If I was in an artistic environment, my choice of wardrobe would probably be appreciated, even taken as a sign of intelligence rather than a hindrance.  But in this corporate setting, I suppose I just don’t fit in, and my co-workers don’t know how to categorize me.  Why do they even have to?  Because that’s how they are, everything has to fit into a box.  And I have to break out of boxes, it’s just my nature.

Anyway this whole episode got me thinking about how being seen as artistic can come with a stigma of being dreamy, whimsical, scatter-brained, not serious, and well, stupid.  Most ballet dancers I’ve met are quite the opposite of all those things.  Yes we are artistic, maybe dreamy and whimsical, but we’re also focused, perceptive, analytical, thoughtful, industrious…I could go on and on.  But I want to know what you think.

Have you ever been misjudged as less intelligent because of your artistry?

Fast forward to the present, after rigorous training and 11 years of professional experience, and now I’m trying to understand that little girl from so long ago.

Currently, I feel like I have spilt personalities: Stephanie the dancer, Stephanie the student, and Stephanie the writer. And, honestly, it’s exhausting. I’m excited for my future and feel myself moving closer and closer to it, but ballet still has this bizarre, slightly abusive hold on me. Today, someone said to me, “well, it’s probably the longest relationship you’ve had.” I thought to myself, “oh crap, it is.” So, then the bigger question comes…am I breaking up with ballet?

This week, I’m in Denver and have been taking class with the Colorado Ballet. As I stretch before class, catching snippets of other dancers conversations, I feel so far removed from this strange world I’ve been apart of for so long. Lately, class feels like such a chore. But, on Thursday, I took a break from class to tour the CU Boulder campus and their J-School…and it was amazing.

Oh academia! This was stop number two on the grad school shopping list (Columbia was numero uno). I felt so at home, so inspired by my surroundings and, I have to admit, I was pretty sold by the beautiful mountains, shiny new Mac computers (and they say diamonds are a girl’s best friends), print editorial/broadcast combo concentration, flexibility in course offerings, and the city of Boulder.

Could this be my possible future?

Last week, I wrote that I would introduce the dancers in the documentary this week, but I as I began choosing pictures to include I realized that I hadn’t discussed the aesthetic of the film. I know the dancers are much more interesting, but I hope that you can bear with me. As a filmmaker I lost sleep over these decisions (such as whether or not I should use a tripod with my Super 8 camera).

In preparing for this film I watched every film (narrative or documentary) that I could get my hands about ballet. I find that there is almost always an issue making the performances and the storyline work together. The performances always take us out of the story and they are not integrated well. The only time it works is when the filmmaker really brings the camera into the space of the dance instead of simply placing it in the audience.  A good (and well known) example of this is the final dance in Center Stage (2000) where the implication is that we are watching from the audience, but in reality the camera is on stage with the dancers (or, in actuality, on a soundstage with shots of an audience cut in). The problem with a documentary is that you cannot be on stage during a performance without ruining the performance.

So somehow I had to think of a way to integrate dancing (beyond rehearsals) into the film in a manner that engages the camera more than simply filming the dancers under the proscenium. Since dancers spend their careers seeking perfection I liked the idea of using an imperfect medium to portray their dancing. In this vein I shot the dancers using my Super 8 camera. This is a small format movie film camera; the model I used was made in the late 1960s. Kodak still makes the film (fingers crossed that it stays that way, bankruptcy be damned). These cameras are imperfect, in a sense, because you can’t really control them or predict exactly how your shots will look. Unpredictable. The intangible is what makes the world beautiful. It’s why Margot Fonteyn is one of the greatest dancers, even though her feet were not perfect. To complement this I used a Holga and a Diana camera for the still images, which will hopefully be used in posters and such.

So now you know what I am trying to accomplish with the aesthetic of the images. I also included a picture of the three dancers below since, I promise, I will be writing about them next week.

I still look like a ballerina. I’ve come to terms with this and no longer rue the fact, but there was a time when I railed against this identifying marker of my past – it felt so constricting, so haunting – a crushing reminder inducing feelings of failure. The events that led me to leave my life of dance are too involved to mention here, right now, but they left no doubt in my mind that I had to leave the path I’d been on for so long in order to grow. In some ways, of course, I’d already left – in deep places of my heart, I’d already left, but stepping into a new direction proved to be a greater challenge than I’d anticipated.

Today I feel like I’ve lived two lives.  In my first life: dance, achievement, adventure. In my second life: self-awareness, spiritual growth, marriage. The feeling of two lives lived before age thirty is exhausting: sometimes I simply do not have the desire to try as hard in this one as I did in the other one. But I miss being inspired and I miss being creative, and I’m sad that the only expression I’ve developed for my soul is the movement of my own body. I’m mad that I felt so controlled by my art form that the years I should have been gaining speed in my professional/educational life, I instead spent derailed, like a refugee – in a transitory survival mode.

But I am ready to be proud of my life again. I’m ready to stop running and start creating. This is the journey I hope to take with you. I think it is the most important journey of my life – as a woman, a soon-to-be mother, and a wife.

that was then

this is now

Map of Broken Glass (Atlantis), Robert Smithson, 1969. Dia Beacon.

I went to Dia:Beacon for the first time this past Saturday and I am still thinking about this sculpture by Robert Smithson. The photo does not do it justice, it is really worth a trip out there to see it in person, not to mention all of the other iconic work on display there. The setting is vast and expansive and was the perfect antidote to NYC.

Another favorite: Installation by Louise Bourgeois.

Help support the Africa Yoga Project

This has extra significance for me on this particular Valentine’s Day because I have just become an ambassador for a wonderful organization called Africa Yoga Project. AYP is a not for profit based out of Nairobi, Kenya and they teach respect, love, non-violence, and unity to the waring tribes of Kenyan people through the power of yoga. This, in turn, promotes mental and physical well-being and a sense of hope and opportunity. AYP also raises money for local schools and to send Kenyan natives to teacher training programs so that they can have jobs and bring yoga back to their communities. The ambassador program helps facilitate the cultivation of this through raising money, and ambassadors go to Kenya for at least 2 weeks to teach yoga, share their culture and knowledge, and spread the love. I have had the pleasure of meeting some of the Kenyan teachers and find them truly inspiring. They have absolutely nothing, yet they are the happiest, most optimistic, and loving people. I hope to have the opportunity to travel to Kenya this summer with AYP to teach yoga, hold a dance workshop for kids, and be an ambassador for change, empowerment, and love. Please consider looking into this great organization, and if you can, help out my campaign! Give Love!!!!

And happy belated Valentine’s Day!

We are now living on separate coasts, connecting again over feelings that are very similar, though our experiences have been very different, post full-time dance career. I choose to introduce her to you all in this loving, familiar way as she will be blogging for us in a new style (at least for Dd). Kristin will be taking us into her world, weaving back and forth from the past to her real-time transition as she she charts her professional, emotional, and spiritual transition from dancer to non-dancer to student to wife to mother to loving dance and loving life and all the hardship in between. I hope her candid nature will provoke us all to think about these ties that bind us, as dancers but also movers and shakers, and get us into a lively discussion/debate about it all–the good, the bad, and the ugly!

Enjoy her Dd Survey:

1. ART: Performance or visual? What place does art have in your life?

Both! Living is an art form.

2. CRAFT: Knit or Crochet or Other? What is your craftiest project to date?

Crochet, but I want to learn to knit! My craftiest project would have to be the neck-warmer I made for my husband. It is bright blue and dark brown and joins at the collar bone in a sophisticated v-shape. Unfortunately the man runs hot and never wears it!

3. DESIGN: Classical or modern? What designer or architect inspires you the most?

Jesi Haack, of Jesi Haack Design – she takes ordinary people and expresses them in extra-ordinary ways on their most important day. She has worked hard to build her business and delights in her role of wife, friend and mother.

4. FOOD: Salty or sweet? Do you know how to make your favorite dish? (If so, please tell us in a blog!)

All time favorite = Green Curry. I do not make it – that is probably one of the reasons it is my favorite!
Favorite thing I make = Dishpan Cookies from fatgirltrappedinaskinnybody.blogspot.com. These are the most indulgent, most amazing cookies ever!

5. THOUGHT: Fiction or Nonfiction? What form does the bulk of your own reading and/or writing take?

Nonfiction, because I am bent on improving myself. (I went through a pretty intense self-help stage.) I’m trying to reconnect with fiction now because it is so good for my soul. The Hunger Games are my current fiction read – very enjoyable!

6. FUN: Where in the world do you want to go or be stranded? What five things would be in your bag?

Ireland (in its warm season) because there are a few pictures from there I’ve collected on pinterest that look downright magical. I’d let my hair down, wear a long skirt and my bag would include: a blanket, tinted lip balm, crunchy almonds, a camera, and space for me to put my shoes so I could walk barefoot.

So here’s a last minute Valentine craft for you.  This is super easy and quick in case you need to whip up a few heartfelt cards in a jiffy.

All you need are:

Cupcake wrappers in 2 different colors/patterns (I’d opt for red or pink!)
Cardstock
Embroidery thread and needle
Sharpie
Scissors
A medium sized button

Simply take one of your cupcake wrappers, turn it inside out and cut slits about 1/2 an inch apart all the way around.  Just cut strait down from the outside to the center (just to where the flat part begins.)  Set it aside.

Now take a second cup, again turn it inside out and pinch the very center of the paper and pull it down.  Then begin to twist the pinched part.  You’re basically creating a smaller, ruffled flower by pinching and twisting the crimped part of the wrapper together.  (See pictures below.)

Tape the twisted part down to the back of the flower so that it maintains its shape.  Next thread your needle with your embroidery thread and sew your button in the center of the two wrappers, with the pinched wrapper on top of the first wrapper.

As you can see, I cut scallops around the edges of the first wrapper; It looks fine without the extra scallops, but they do punch up the petal look if you want to do that too!

Now you could add a piece of card stock to the back of the flower and make a cute brooch, corsage or hair clip….The possibilities are pretty endless, but I opted to use it to embellish a card.  To do this, simply fold your card stock in half and cut to the size card you want.  Using the same thread from before, stitch the flower to the front of the card (careful not to sew all the way through) and continue to make stitches for a stem.  I also stitched a heart, but in doing it freehand, I wasn’t too keen on how it turned out.  It may be a good idea to pencil sketch your design first (lesson learned!)

Finally, use your sharpie to write your special message.  I am giving this card to my husband, so I went with a rather romantic sentiment, but you could use phrases like “Let Love Bloom,”  or “Friends are like Flowers,” or even the classic “Happy Valentine’s Day!”

As a final finish, glue another piece of matching cardstock to the inside cover of the card.  This will give it more stability and hide your stitches.

Hope you all have a wonderful Valentine’s Day and Happy Crafting!

love,
Heather

Greetings Dders!

Aaron and I and the Dd team felt—in the true Dd spirit of innovation, education and new possibilities—strongly that we should share with you what we’ve learned while starting our new business, Barre. Over the course of the past year or so, we’ve certainly had so many lessons, some large and some subtly small. And we figured what the heck, why not share some of this stuff with the crazy-multitalented Dd community, to give you all a leg up (sorry, couldn’t resist the pun there…)?!

Here it begins, though what detail we give to certain topics remains fluid as we’d love any input from you, the Dd community, regarding what you’d like to hear about and what questions you’d like answered! So please do let us know!

Lesson #1:

just do it.

Don’t think for a second that you don’t have the capacity to actually DO that which you want to do, or think that it has to happen in that general time frame commonly referred to as LATER ON IN LIFE.  This should be somewhat of a no-brainer for such an overachieving subset of the population as dancers, having already attained goals loftier than many ever dream of. That being said, dancers’ lives are often quite structured, and that structure can bring with it a certain rigidity, or perhaps the feeling that there isn’t space in one’s life for that “dream” project. I’m here to tell you that you can create space; moreover, that space will indeed be created for you in many ways once you’re committed and out of the gates.

A visual timeline of our progress - the evolution of the Barre wrapper on our dry erase board!

My dad, a self-declared serial entrepreneur, suggested to me and Aaron when we first started out (just about a year ago this month) that we print business cards with our respective job titles and “work” emails. Though we had yet to make up the job titles (a fun project, right?) and didn’t even manage to set up the Barre email accounts until the day after I handed my first card out to someone, having those cards printed was a huge first step. It was a revelation—truly one of those “If you build it, they will come”, Field of Dreams (this is an old Kevin Costner movie reference, for all you youngins…) moment. And it worked. We declared it so, and then it WAS: we were in business!

Those business cards were an “it”—one of the first of many teeny, tiny “it”s that, in the aggregate, have amounted to an actual business. So my advice is to move in the direction of your dreams by taking action with some of those “it”s. They will accumulate, accelerate, and you will continue to surprise yourself!

Next lesson in the lesson plan: If you don’t know how, ask (aka, how to be comfortable admitting you have no clue what you’re doing…!).

My films often incorporate dancers as characters and/or topics. Beyond dance I am also very interested in female characters and the struggle that women face in being portrayed both in front of and behind the camera. Dancers must be super conscious of how they look: their career can conflict with their desire to have children, they are idealized, and often stereotypes are cast upon them. I believe that by documenting the life of the ballerina I am not only humanizing an icon, but also examining the struggles all women face.

North Carolina Dance Theatre in Charlotte, NC, welcomed me with open arms to film my documentary. The very first rehearsal I filmed was with one of the dancers in the film, Alessandra Ball, her partner, and Patricia McBride. Afterwards, Patty came up to me to chat and she was so sweet and kind-hearted you would never think she was a world famous personae. Most often, all she wants to tell me about is how brilliant the dancers are at NCDT.  This really set the stage for my experience at NCDT, where they truly value artistry over all else, even when it comes to an independent filmmaker who constantly had a camera in their faces!

Next week I will begin to introduce you to the three ballerinas in the film; if your curiosity is piqued please visit the documentaries website or learn more about North Carolina Dance Theatre, here.